I must confess I caved into temptation and am in the process of making another Noodles'n'Beef soup. Yep, I know I'm disgusting but I have loved them since I was five.

Now that I got the blog to look more or less the way I like it, I've decided to make a compromise:

1. I promise not to post any more of my email correspondance here anymore, unless (as it was the case earlier today) for excerpts that I believe really important or significant in any way.

2. I'll try to keep my posts short and frequent, so they don't overwhelm the reader (and that includes me).

3. If for any given reason my post must be necessarily long, I'll try to break it into very short paragraphs and make lists whenever possible.

4. I'll try to keep this as free from babble as I can.

There. Now...

Shit.

I was in a very good mood, and just now it went to hell.

Belendor called about three hours ago and told me he was going to his mother's house to feed Nekus, the cat, and that he probably would stay over there. I told him I didn't like the idea but that he could do as he pleased, since he always does. He told me I was being a bitch and hung up on me.

I was not very angry then because I'm getting used to the fact he seizes every opportunity he gets, however remote, they may be, to sleep in some other place other than our house. It's not that I mistrust him, or anything, I feel it's just that he wants to be away from me. I don't understand that, and sometimes it hurts me, but as I said, I'm getting used to it so I didn't get all upset then.

About an hour later, he calls me from his mother's house and tells me to be cool, that he will only grab something to eat and keep the cat company for a little while and then he'll come home. Then we got into talking why his wanting to sleep someplace other than here upsets me so much, and he told me he understood, that that was the reason why he was returning home tonight.

And I must point out this is not dependence from my part, or at least I don't think it is. I mean, it's not like I can't function if he's not here, but to me is very important that he wants to be with me at night. It's kind of symbolic. I am the first child of my dad's "hidden" family, and I guess I have some sort of trauma about it. I remember as a child I puzzled over why my dad spent all day with us and then went to "his house" to sleep. As the time passed and I grew older I came to guess what really happened, and came to terms with it. But now I think this childhood mystery manifests in my unease whenever Belendor wants to sleep someplace else. It's just that, to him, whether we sleep together or not doesn't mean a thing because we love each other, but to me it means a GREAT deal, because to me it symbolizes the beauty of our relationship and the security of our home.

Maybe I should tell him about this. I hadn't realized why I felt this way until I wrote it. See how I am clearer, even to myself, when I'm writing?

Anyway, he called again just now to tell me that Nekus was really upset and he wanted to stay there after all. So I got really angry and accused him of not caring about how I felt and seeking every possible excuse to stay away from home. He got angry, told me to go to hell and hung up on me. Again. I hate him when he does that.

Anyway, I'm not that angry anymore. And I don't blame him for getting angry either, because I have to admit whenever we have had a variation of these discussions I have been very unreasonable, and that's not like me.

I feel better now.