lily please stay

my life used to be awful, every night I'd lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling and grinding my teeth with horror of who knows what, my eyes open for nights without end of indifferent silence, and suddenly there was you curling up by my side and keeping horror and indifference away with the loud no nonsense of your purr. you'd rumble on for longer than I could stay awake, or even you, since you went on purring in your sleep.

for almost three years, whenever I wake up sad and wanting to cry, you've been there to cuddle me, many times I've cried to you, and every time I came back home feeling shit you've been there to touch me and give me comforting little noises. when I'm sick or just sad you sit behind my head and you never move from my side.

I learned that we were meant for one another in a dream, I went and fetched you home and since then I've felt that I can handle anything, bad days, funerals, broken hearts, fights, loneliness, hesitance, indifference, oblivion & fear, if I have you, a tiny little thing to have, silky soft tiger lily with her clown face and her white spot on the tip of her tail.

yesterday I dreamed you were hiding inside a rubber boot. I picked up the boot and brought you home, and I could see your pretty freckled nose poking out. and hear your purr.

please come home, lily. don't leave me, I don't think I can make it without you.

there's a part of me you'll never know
the only thing I'll never show
hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
hopelessly I'll give you everything
but I won't give you up
I won't let you down
and I won't leave you falling
if the moment ever comes


hello,

these last few days I've been thinking a lot about that silly argument we had the night before I left. it was silly because it wasn't really an argument to begin with, was it? we'd been having a wonderful time, watching a movie and being silly sweet to each other, then we started talking and you said how you felt, which made me feel fearful and vulnerable, and I immediately shut tight like an oyster, defensive, and I wouldn't say anything else, and after you repeatedly asked what was wrong and I said 'nothing', my behaviour made you go mad.

it isn't until now that I realize that I am selfish, like you said, in the belief that what I think has no value to anyone but myself; I just never thought you (or anyone else for that matter) would be interested in what I think unless I had a solution for the problem (which I don't). this says a lot about my view on relationships in general, I suppose. I realize I hold this same notion for all of my relationships, ranging from work to family. I'm sure I've heard that impression of me 'going blank', 'holing up', 'turning into a freakin mummy', once or twice before, within a wide range of contexts.

I never once thought we could solve it together. or that your knowing how I feel might make it better for us, even if we don't solve it immediately. or that even YOU might help solving it, cause all this is not only the matter with me, but the matter with us, so it's not only in my hands to fix it... or bear with it... it didn't even occur to me that you might feel better if only by knowning wtf was wrong with me at the moment, cause I changed and you noticed... like you always do.

I know, this all sounds so dumb, human relationships abc, but honestly none of the above had ever made light in my brain until you pointed it all out; see, that's one of the reasons why I love you; cause you say things in a way that makes sense to me. when you make me look at you in the eye and tell me of these self-evident principles, they finally ring true to my ear. not many people in life have that power.

de vuelta del puerto de la vera cruz, cuatro días de pura regaladez y pocos actos de valor social. me encanta comprobar el candor que sigue exhalando este estado, con morenazos con panzas de berenjena que te preguntan sin el menor pundonor a dónde vas, de dónde vienes, si te gusta la dísco y bailar el bakalao. nunca, para comenzar, si deseas compañía o conversación mientras te encuentras en momentos de íntima comunión con las olas; una capitalina amargada no puede menos que voltear a verlos con cara de pocos amigos, o bien si te llegan a tocar el corazón, te giras para decir con tu mejor sonrisa, me no speak spanish, fuck off....

eso sin contar los encantos importados, como los autobuses provenientes de la adyacente entidad repletos de familias multiplex --pues al nivel de necesitar autobuses chárter-- armados con sillitas, baldes con palitas, neveras, termos, chelas, sángüiches, juguitos, balones, escuincles de todos tamaños, pero ni un solo traje de baño, ya sea para los bebés (en pañal), los niños (en chones), las matronas o los señores (camiseta y shorts) o los viejitos (esos sí a veces llevan traje, lo cual en última instancia es peor).

por último está el candor político, que manda a hacer un monumento a la laptop para interrumpir la perfecta fuga de perspectiva que nos proporcionaba la escollera. en protesta a este tipo de candor, al igual que el importado, me evité tomarle una foto, pero créanme está allí.

sin embargo, es bueno saber que no todo es encanto jarocho; hay algunos que resienten el calor, los portales, los turistas, los meseros; quien tamborilea de mal humor sobre tu silla y te avienta el menú; vaya quien te recuerda que Veracruz se disfruta por lo bello, no por lo social.....

el sábado me tocó convivio con los compañeritos, la casa D se levantó temprano, se lavó la carita, desayunó, después de una confusión sobre nuestro destino tuvimos breve discusión de modas, qué es lo más apropiado para ir a las pirámides/al tepozteco, que resulta que no es lo mismo o sea, para nada; algunos nos tuvimos que cambiar, y luego disparados salimos hacia tepoztlán, un pueblo ya tan lleno de hippies que el que te ayuda a estacionarte también te puede alinear los chakras y hacer masaje craneal con lo que a mí me pareció un espumador de claras.......

pues ahí vamos, todos viéndonos fabulosos mientras trotábamos cerro arriba, un grupo ecléctico y algo inverosímil que hacía que la gente de la enah no supiera en qué hablarnos, en alemán, en inglés, en hebreo o con mímica para los que llevábamos el grunge a todo lo que daba........ yo perdí el estilo bastante rápido a fuer de ser sincera, lo dejé en alguna curva por concentrarme en no romperme un tobillo entre las rocas o prolapsarme el pulmón que amenazaba escapárseme por el esternón,

sin embargo, mientras todos hacían profundas flexiones y saludos al sol desde la punta de la pirámide y yo me sacaba los calcetines para rascarme a gusto, con vista perfecta de un valle que blanqueaba de humedad, y mientras escuchaba a Muse a un volumen tan alto que los demás místicos viajeros se volteaban a ponerme cara de entendidos, o de fastidiados, no hubiera cambiado mi alma inmortal por todo el estilo del mundo; mi péndulo regresó a cero y me sentí profundamente en paz con el universo.

después rodamos cuesta abajo con cierta gracia, yo casi lo logré sin dejarlas caer aunque hubo un punto donde me resbalé y cuando alguien se apresuraba a atraparme, logré atrancar una atlética posición y ponerle al guey cara de qué..... yo así bajo, es más rápido... y me seguí como si nada y poniendo cara de rusa (o sea de inevitable).

terminamos el día comiendo en un sitio donde me sirvieron una ensalada en forma de sombrero que no estuvo nada mal. en general, opino que debería salir de la ciudad más seguido……….

accidental

well I held you like a lover
happy hands
and your elbow in the appropriate place

and we ignored our others
happy plans
with a delicate look upon your face

our bodies moved and hardened
hurting parts of your garden
with no room for a pardon
in a place
where no one knows
what we have done

do you come together ever with him?
and is he dark enough, enough to see your light?
and do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
do you miss my smell?
and is he bold enough to take you on?
do you feel like you belong
and does he drive you wild
or just mildly free

what about me?

well you held me like a lover:
sweaty hands
and my foot in the appropriate place.

and we use cushions to cover:
happy glands
in the mild eschew of our disgrace.

our minds pressed and guarded:
while our flesh disregarded
the lack of space
for the light-hearted
in the boom
that beats our drum.

well I know I make you cry
and I know sometimes you wanna die
but do you really feel alive
without me?
if so, be free.
if not, leave him for me
before one of us has ********* babies.
for we are in love.

do you come together ever with him?
and is he dark enough,enough to see your light?
and do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
do you miss my smell?
is he bold enough to take you on?
do you feel like you belong?
and does he drive you wild
or just mildly free

what about me us?

accidental babies, damien rice

he pasado el día entero apretujando mis carnes con toda la banda (que no olía precisamente a lavanda) en el metrobús, una experiencia que por lo visto me gusta tanto que la repetí unas ocho veces hoy. de mi casa al banco, quedé encajada entre un señor muy alto y muy peludo que me miraba muy fijamente, y un chico con el que quedé de cucharas, se veían como tipos decentes y estoy segura que no era la intención de ninguno de los dos imponérseme a esos extremos, pero es difícil conservar la intimidad cuando vas nariz con nariz, nalga con nalga, codo con codo, con diez mil desconocidos, en fin que la campechanez llegó a tanto que el chico detrás mío ya muy gentilmente me tomaba por los hombros y me ayudaba a comprimirme contra él para que la puerta no me machucara demasiado en cada estación. cuando me bajé ya de plano tuvimos que rodar los dos juntos, fue una vuelta elegante, vaya que hasta cuando me bajé me sentí mal, dije... hemos compartido tanto, estuvimos tan cerca, y no supe ni su nombre.

y como dije gracias a la eficiencia de nuestro contador, debí aventarme ésta unas cuantas veces.... en un día de partido. de tanto en tanto miraba hacia el espejo, arriba, y veía un mar de cabezas, una profusión de camisetas del américa y del cruz azul, ondas de calor y espíritu humano irradiando en todas direcciones, y mi propio rostro perdido e intenso.... no me veía demasiado infeliz, gracias al hecho de venir roqueando fuerte, pero definitivamente sin la ipod no lo hubiera logrado sin algunos desmayos.

¿qué, será tan difícil poner unas pocas unidades más a trabajar en elcorredor Insurgentes maldita sea? ¿es necesario que me tengan que tatuar en los muslos la anatomía de todos los que vienen a mi alrededor? ¿tengo realmente que verle la oreja TAN de cerca a esta señora?

I am most definetely not thinking about you.

It's nine o'clock at night and I just got home from an evening spent with my lady mother, being object to the most painful manipulations (we went to get a facial --we're so burgoise these days).... so now I'm behind in all my work, I've got fifteen mails to write, twelve calls to make, nine people im'ming me about the spencer tunick experience, and cartload of whites to hang out to dry... so I can't possibly be thinking about you.I can't possibly be missing you. I haven't got the time.

and yet I am.... I wonder where you are, how you are, if you're thinking about me. if you'd mind kissing me much, if you were here with me. then I make it stop with a cold knife.

I managed to lose my gym shoes, yay for me. I kicked them off yesterday to go shake my tummy in the arab dance class, and this morning I realized they were gone, vanished, disappeared, nada; I can only assume I contorted my way out of the classroom and completely forgot to pick up my lovely black suede pumas that I absolutely loved and bought cheap at a sale. darnshit.
AND I just found out the pants of the tracksuit I bought today --lose shoes, buy tracksuit.... it is damned logical isn't it? one things follows the other-- are so tight on my huge ass and
thighs that I can hear them gently weep. that's what I get for not trying stuff on.

OSSShhshsh. <--------- frustration.

as I was telling M earlier, the most difficult part of life for me right now is to figure out all these complications, which are plentiful, *while* at the same time figuring out what to wear
everyday. call me superficial.

well... back to work and to missing him... osh

ayer cosí un botón por primera vez en mi vida, casi. bueno, recuerdo que alguna vez en la secundaria tuve que entregar un trozo de tela con botones de varios colores y tamaños para la clase de manualidades... pero estoy casi segura que mi abuela los pegó todos, porque yo nunca di pie con bola.
continúa la limpieza el día de hoy, con una buena esquilmada al jardincito, algo que quería hacer desde hace semanas y curiosamente terminó haciendo alguien que no vive en la casa... vergüenza me debería de dar.
mi teléfono está suspendido por flagrante exceso de pago, llevo días cargando un cheque para pagarlo pero no he reunido las suficientes sinapsis para 1) cobrarlo y 2) pagar mi saldo. ahora debo vivir incomunicada, y así he de pagar por mis pecados.... que son muchos.
mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa.

cleaning house!

today I saw corners of my room that had lost squareness with filth; my piece was like two nightfalls away from successfully channeling the return of the hounds of tindalos.
I sorted out a shitload of dirty laundry, washed a first load... and of course, when I was ready to start hanging it, then it began to rain.

of course, no one said it was gonna be easy.

it's been eons since I sat down to properly write. I've been meaning to, wanting to, with little success; life has been getting too much in the way, as it's been known to do.
pompous much, eh?

life is okay right now. most days I wake up happy and in general I don't feel much like complaining for getting up, going out, and doing what I'm supposed to every day. things are far from perfect, I don't get enough work and/or money (duh), family life gets intense after someone very important dies, there's new people to meet and old people to get to know again, lots of sorting out and trashing out to do; an intense private life too, with lots of friends lots of stories and lots of souls just swimming around in a huge fishbowl, year after year after year; intensity that combines and mingles and escalates and sometimes shares bed and bread with you. because, just as if I didn't have enough balls to juggle, enough food on my plate, enough fires on, choose your metaphor, in short, just as if I had nothing better to do, it seems that I've fallen in love again, and thus I am the foolish victim of my passions as much as everyone else. when he's with me my happiness is complete and I fly high as the sky; when he's Away I pine with the best of them and I am.

why? to summarize.... because I'm intense, just as everyone else around me.

as I said, most of these days I don't mind dealing with all of the above. once you embrace intensity as your lot in life, you admit that you're stuck with it for good, and not only with the plentiful intensity within you but in all those you call your own, who shall also be embibed with intensity, and you come to terms with the fact that nothing in your life shall go without complication, in another manifestation of murphy's great law or, yet in other words, who
told you this was going to be easy? sucker. thought you had the tiger by the balls? think again.

well once I accepted all that, I found life can be beautiful again. sometimes. for brief lapses of time. whenever I get some free time I grab yarn and needle and stitch all these scraps
together so maybe when I look back this will look like a time of solid uninterrupted happiness. in general, I'm pretty sure I am happy. I'm in love, I love a lot of people the best I can, I have a nice job, I've gotten to the point where I kind of like myself again. my plants and my cats like me too... most of the time.

life is just as complicated as always, but I am fine. how you've been?

osh, it won't stop raining.... annoyance extreme, since I can't dry my clothes and I have nothing to wear.... I think I'll go to the supermarket, I might even be evil and buy some ice cream or something, bad girl tut tut beep beep. but I think I deserve it since it's saturday evening, I cleaned out my room, my man is Away and it won't stop raining.... I hope I'll be writing more soon.