retrospect, bilingual (drafted but unpublished)

somos iguales tú y yo
no cabemos en el mismo verso
somos iguales tú y yo
nos queremos pero no sabemos
somos iguales tú y yo
nos tocamos pero no nos vemos
somos iguales tú y yo
nos extrañamos y aquí estamos...


just so you know, I know what you're up to.

we're both so much alike, just a pair of motherfuckers. we both mean well, but we're lame and we keep fucking up, and now it's your turn and you're fucking up. you've fucked up. these last days I've felt something I had almost forgotten about, one of those things that helped me make up my mind years ago, when I finally decided you were probably not a very good idea; that feeling that formed a part of the horrible, downright truth I felt, over and over again, when my friend turned and said, well, what did you expect? he was cheating on his girlfriend, why would he be any better to you? just cause he says?

that feeling I had every time I saw that self-sufficient little smile on ABH face when she left your classroom, her nasty looks at me, that little twist on eyes and the hug she gave you when she said goodbye, that made me sure, certain, that you'd been hitting on her... maybe even sexying her up... I was even more sure when I saw her deliberately rub you with her ass more than once when bending over and looking at assignments on the table. but mostly it was that knowing, hateful, insolent look on her face when she walked by my side. like she knew something I didn't. which I guess was true.

god it made me mad. and you know, she wasn't the only one.

cause yes I was sure you'd been telling her stuff. being charming to her, as you usually are. you pretend otherwise, but you know you're adorable, that we can't help but loving you, so tall and handsome, you and your big sad eyes, and you use that. I bet you tell them all about how horrible your women are to you, maybe you combine all of our stories, maybe you're telling some of the bad times between you and me as part of only one tale, let's keep it to the essentials.
who cares about your girl and your friend, who only supported you and vouched to you and stood by you and fucking went head over heels crazy for you for six months? who the hell cares?

you know, I don't even care about her either, I'll be fine, I know that in time I'll forget about loving you, and about what I feel right now, all broken and bruised and bleeding inside again, because you've been a dick to me, you lied to me, you used me, so soon I will never love you again. you're not worth it.

oh baby
here comes the fear again
the end is near again
a monkey's built a house on your my back
and I can't won't get anyone to come in the sack
and here comes another panic attack
ph here we go again

de nuevo, está cabrón, la neta, todo es bien difícil, quiero luchar por ti pero no sé si es lo correcto, ¿me explico? gran parte del tiempo te siento tan, tan lejos....... lejos como en siberia, en alaska, en el remoto japón; en un país lejano, con comunicación esporádica y breve; pero días como hoy me hacen darme cuenta de cuánto te amo, cuánto no quiero dejar esto, cuánto no quiero que renunciemos a lo que tenemos, que lo que tenemos es real, sin importar lo razonable que sea simplemente olvidarlo y dejarlo ir.

ya vi que en mi intensidad yo lo que deseo es que tú quieras hacer algo al respecto, pero me doy cuenta que no lo harás (al menos no ahora, ni pronto), de nuevo es mi decisión, lo cual me caga porque odio que sea mi responsabilidad, más que nada porque sé que tiendo a tomar la decisión errónea, no tengo la menor ecuanimidad, me pongo intensa y me siento aislada y vacía y erosionada sin ti, un desierto sin emociones, excepto por la sensación de dolorosa soledad, ojalá pudiera pasar semanas y semanas sólo con la idea de nosotros en la cabeza, sin dudar, sin desear, ser zen y esperar tranquilamente a que todo fluya, pero simplemente no sé si puedo, creo que no, mi corazón y mi mente son dos animales salvajes que aunque intente no puedo controlar, y que les encanta hacer la guerra entre ellos; cuando mucho logro engañarlos, solaparlos por horas e incluso días seguidos cuando tengo suerte.

sin embargo, sé que en algún momento estallaré y cometeré alguna tontería, me largaré a la Indochina con tres dólares en el bolsillo, me iré de escudo humano o me lanzaré en amplia parábola al viaducto, en fin, quemaré en definitiva mis naves, porque ya no querré pensar, ni soñar, ni desear, ni esperar más. porque voy a preferir ponerle yo un punto final a todo, en vez de seguir aislando un presente muy real a costa de un futuro incierto, un futuro que no puedo vislumbrar siquiera, ya no digamos palpar o ponerle nombre, teléfono y dirección, esas cosas cotidianas que son tan tontas, pero que son lo que constituyen y forman una vida común.

lo que intento decirte es que yo realmente no necesito que estés aquí todo el tiempo, ese realmente no es el problema en este caso, pero ayúdame a encontrar la forma en que yo pueda estar tranquila, o un punto donde yo pueda encontrar un balance, una forma de estar bien,

o quizás no la haya,
pero tal vez sea terca durante aún algún tiempo.

we were in bed, naked, our arms around each other, we were laughing, you kissed my neck, I held you tight, kissed your shoulder, felt your smell, said 'I've missed you so much', and started crying
you said, 'but why do you cry?'
'because I think I'm dreaming, and you're not really here'.
and presto, I woke up alone, crying, and cold.

there's a part of me you'll never know
the only thing I'll never show
hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
hopelessly I'll give you everything
but I won't give you up
I won't let you down
and I won't leave you falling
if the moment ever comes


hello,

these last few days I've been thinking a lot about that silly argument we had the night before I left. it was silly because it wasn't really an argument to begin with, was it? we'd been having a wonderful time, watching a movie and being silly sweet to each other, then we started talking and you said how you felt, which made me feel fearful and vulnerable, and I immediately shut tight like an oyster, defensive, and I wouldn't say anything else, and after you repeatedly asked what was wrong and I said 'nothing', my behaviour made you go mad.

it isn't until now that I realize that I am selfish, like you said, in the belief that what I think has no value to anyone but myself; I just never thought you (or anyone else for that matter) would be interested in what I think unless I had a solution for the problem (which I don't). this says a lot about my view on relationships in general, I suppose. I realize I hold this same notion for all of my relationships, ranging from work to family. I'm sure I've heard that impression of me 'going blank', 'holing up', 'turning into a freakin mummy', once or twice before, within a wide range of contexts.

I never once thought we could solve it together. or that your knowing how I feel might make it better for us, even if we don't solve it immediately. or that even YOU might help solving it, cause all this is not only the matter with me, but the matter with us, so it's not only in my hands to fix it... or bear with it... it didn't even occur to me that you might feel better if only by knowning wtf was wrong with me at the moment, cause I changed and you noticed... like you always do.

I know, this all sounds so dumb, human relationships abc, but honestly none of the above had ever made light in my brain until you pointed it all out; see, that's one of the reasons why I love you; cause you say things in a way that makes sense to me. when you make me look at you in the eye and tell me of these self-evident principles, they finally ring true to my ear. not many people in life have that power.

today I've woken up semi-naked and alone, in a hotel room between the highland and the road in fucking tollukanland. this is something I definetely had never envisioned, not even in my wildest, most decadent spring fantasies; he left for work at four in the morning, without having slept a wink, we have spent yet another night just talking and frolicking and talking more nonsense and even making plans.

plans? oh yes. gods how do I keep getting in these messes?

I just hope I don't regret this too much later.


good times, for a change...

además, hoy es día del cumpleaños de alguien importante para mí. me gustaría poder decirle feliz cumpleaños g, qué pinche viejo ya estás, pero no puedo, porque nos peleamos hace más de un año.

te extraño con todo el corazón.... vuelve.