Is there anybody out there?

Oh, I feel kind of lonely. Seriously.

Even antisocial freaks like me do feel lonely from time to time. I don't know what to do. I must face that, apart from Belendor, Corvux Arwen (barely, because she tires me out), and my parents, I don't ever have any sort of human contact at all, and that can't be good for me. Most of the times, it's only Belendor and I.

He doesn't mind, because he's got Alcove (his second love in a gay, never-to-be-admitted sort of way) and all the friends Alcove's got underfoot most of the time at his house, so when he needs some kind of tequila swallowing, back-clapping, belching, you know, guy-to-guy sort of contact he can get it.

As for me, I can't seem to have enough energy to mantain a conversation with a stranger at all. Just last week, when Belendor had his friends over for dinner, one of them came with his girlfriend, a totally adorable Peruvian bass player who was even smart and funny. Being the only two girls (apart from Stefi, of course, and she is evidently very capable of entertaining herself), we started talking and had a great communication, you know, we made each other laugh and we ended up confiding in each other. She was cool. When they were leaving, she said something about us getting together again, maybe going out without the 'boys' and I said sure.

Well, you can imagine how that went. She called when the weekend neared and asked me what plans we had. I said something to the effect that maybe we both were going to Angola, never to come back again. Now, why did I do that? She was a perfectly nice girl and she had an interesting conversation. Well, I thought that it would be much trouble to leave the house and meet her (you know, I would have had to take the elevator, ride a cab or take the bus, meet her wherever we had previously agreed on, and THEN talk to her for some hours, and then come back home... too much trouble indeedy), and I didn't want to invite her over because then I might get tired of her being in the house and mayhap she wouldn't leave... ever. I'm a psycho. So I shunned her company.

I wonder, am I ever going to have friends?

My life's mostly empty. Yeah, I have a great house, I have a great cat (whom I love intensely) and I have a great boyfriend (whom I also love tenderly). Full stop. Arwen is my friend, yeah, but it seems lately I don't want anything to do with her; shock reaction from our roommating experience I hope... because sometimes I think what is truly the matter here is that I know her too well now, I have seen through her, and I've discovered she's not a nice person at all.

My job is a dead-end. I always see the same people and, though I don't actively hate them, I do know they'll never be my friends. They're not just like, my kind of people.

I used to think that, given I only have Belendor to rely on, my position is particularly dangerous because if he were to leave I would be left utterly alone. That's true. But now I also think that my position is dangerous even if he doesn't leave. I may very well end up turning into a high-riding bitch, and I have always been a minor leaguer.

See:

Belendor has his work, and he's good at it. He's taken the necessary steps to reach his goals, and now he's about to start enjoying the results.

I, on the other hand, have a job I don't like in itself (but on the other hand provides me with the necessary things to do *other stuff´* explanations later), but I'm nevertheless very good at. I don't like it and I never will. I've been translating for enough time now to know I'll never enjoy it and will always hate the moment in which I sit in front of the computer to work.

Belendor, when in need to provide for himself and me, has taken jobs he didn't like much but nevertheless involved his doing what he likes best: playing his guitars.

I, on the same situation and when seeking to find a job that I like, have worked in horrible places (namely the Hard Rock Cafe) and underwent horrible experiences which have only thaught me what I can't abide instead of what I like the best.

So strike one: Work. I don't like my work, and chances are I'll never find one I like.

Belendor is a bit like me in that he doesn't need much social contact. He enjoys being quietly at home. Now, on the other hand, he spends a lot of time with Alcove, and Alcove's got a lot of friends who are constantly visiting, so whenever there's a party or something and he gets caught in the middle he usually stays, enjoys himself and then comes back home.

On my side, I never go out at all. Arwen was my friend, still is, but I don't enjoy hanging out with her anymore. And if there's someone else besides her and me, the matter is even worse. I just hate the getting-to-know-you dynamics. And parties are even worse. I can't drink anymore, that's one problem. I used to be a social drinker, and now I find out parties have lost all the little appeal they might have had if I'm unable to have at least half a dozen drinks. That leads me to another problem (oh my, I now realize, too late, this post is going to be horribly long). I'll make a sidenote of it.

Back when I was single, I used to go out every weekend (and sometimes my weekends started on Wednesday). As Arwen has been the only friend I have managed to keep, and she has always been the social one, we usually went out with her friends (from high-school, from college, from cinema school, etc). I have never been the soul of the party, but usually (after my half a dozen drinks were trasegated) I ended up having a passable time. Sometimes even a great time.
Whatever. Once I was with Belendor, things started to change. He doesn't like parties (or so he says; I constantly have to listen about what a great time he had at Alcove's last party) or, better still, it seems he doesn't like to party with me. Hey, I don't mind that, believe me: if he has good times with his hairy friends, goodie for him. I can understand. What I can't understand for the life of me is why he can't ever have fun at a party with me.
So, usually things went like this: We'd arrive at the party and, as these were (generally) Arwen's friends, acquaintances of mine, and total strangers to him, he sulked. 'My, this is lame'. 'Boy, have you seen that asshole?' 'Jezz, I couldn't be more bored'. Besides, he doesn't drink or do any drugs (at least, not with me), so things aren't going to improve using my method, which usually consisted of hanging around the bar until I got a little hammered. When this happened, I didn't feel free to go around and mingle; once I tried to, and the moment I checked up on him he was sulking in the same corner I'd left him, and looking hellishly bored. He never said anything to me, I have to grant him that. When this happened at two or three parties where we both ended up sitting in a corner and sharing one glass of beer until I was bored enough to call a cab, I made up my mind that I wouldn't ever go out with him to a party again. It seemed to me it was a total waste of our scarce money and our precious time.
So, what does a 21st century liberated female do when she faces a situation like this? Well, of course she decides she'll go out by herself, and to hell with the boyfriend. That's what I did. Arwen and I started going out by ourselves, but that didn't work out either. Simply put, I found out that I'd been a slut all my life and couldn't have a conversation with anyone if my motives weren't sexual. More clearly: I found out that, up until then, I had only spoke to men (and some women) at parties because of sexual reasons. Eliminate the sexual reasons (that is to say, remember I had an excellent boyfriend expecting me at home) and I had nothing to say to anyone. I started to talk to someone, felt no need to flirt, and I instantly grew bored and wanted to go home. So, I decided going out by myself was no good either, and stopped it as well.
Then I made up my mind we wouldn't go out with strangers anymore. OK, then we'll go out with his friends as I don't have any. No good either. By then I couldn't drink anymore, so I learned that watching people who are not my close friends getting drunk and also getting stupider and stupider by the minute was no fun either. That was the way I spent my New Year's. We went to a party with his asshole highschool buddies and I grew sick of them at minute fifteen. And it turned out to be the worst situation of all, since when I told Belendor 'Please let's go home, I can't stand this anymore' he told me he was having lots of fun, plus he hadn't seen these friends in ages, and asked me if we could stay a little bit longer. That little bit longer was ethernal. I ended up going to the car and taking a nap, and when I woke up and found he and his friends were plugging their instruments to play 'just a couple of songs' I asked Arwen for her cell-phone, called a cab, went home and cried till I fell sleep. Happy Fucking New Year to me. He arrived at about 10 in the morning the next day.

So strike two: I have no friends. I almost don't miss them, but sometimes I do...

Hell, that's a lie. I do miss them, and at all times. I wish I had made friends in high-school, but instead I went to three years of roaring hell. High-school is hell, you know. Specially if you don't care about clothes and you read anything longer than 25 pages. I hated high-school. It was the worst part of my life (including the abortion), and I only tend to forget it because I spent it mostly in another place. I'll talk about this some other time. I'm afraid this post is already messy enough.

But I do wish I had made some friends. One, or two, or three. Maybe not even friends. Just people I would have liked to hang out with, and drink or get high or have sex with and take care of each other. I did all the things I mentioned before, but the first two I did by myself (which is horrible in its way) and the last one I did with people who didn't care at all about me. Why would they have been nice, or kind, or even civil when they didn't know me from Eve and were not going to see me ever again? I don't blame them. Well, I do, a little, but I understand now why they were such assholes to me. They didn't know me. I doubt if they even remember my name.

Well, that's great. Now I'm very depressed.

So, to summarize: I don't enjoy my job, I have no friends whatsoever, and I spend most of my life making time and waiting for Belendor to come home. That sucks. This is not how I had pictured my life would be like, not at all.