Please call the guys with the butterfly nets

Oh dear, methinks I've finally lost it. For good. I've gone crackers. This is what just happened:

I need to pay something I bought, so I have to make a deposit. I didn't have cash, and I didn't want to take Belendor's, so I nerved myself up since morning because I would have to go to the bank. I've had my paycheck since last Monday and I haven't cashed it, because every time I peeped into the bank it was packed. So I left it until later, because as you must know now I hate crowds. But I honestly thought it was just dislike what I felt.

So when I came back from work today I stepped into the bank and of course, there were people in there. I don't know if my definition of "crowded" is the same as most people's, so I'm going to be mathematical; there must have been, let's say 25 people in the standard line, and 10 or 12 more in the express line. So, there was 40 people there, tops. That's a crowd for me. Anyway, I didn't love the situation, but I had to cash the check so I could make the deposit (in another bank, and I was already preparing myself for another lovely experience).

OK, so I went to the end of the express line because I was only cashing one check, and of course it was an operation >100 USD (ha-ha-ha). I took my book out and endevoured to read. But I couldn't, because I could hear the constant buzz-buzz-buzz of other people around me. And then the weird shit started.

I started to feel very, very hot, and I could feel sweat running down my scalp into my face (and I'm not a person who sweats too much). I tried taking a couple of deep breaths, but all of a sudden I was short of breath. Then it got worse, because a guy came to stand in line just behind me. I could feel he was very, very close to me (and he wasn't, not really: he must have been standing at least 2 feet away from me), I could feel his presence pressing upon me, and then I started to pant like a dog in a hot day. I felt sick I felt the urge of turning aroung and pushing that guy away from me. I wanted to hit him. He was too close to me. When I looked around, it seemed to me the bank had shrunk and the people in it had doubled. The nausea was horrible. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to scream. Then I started to get that sensation you get when you're about to faint: a buzz in your ears and the feeling you're very far away. I could still hear the noise, but from a very long distance.

I tried to get a hold on myself; I didn't want to faint in the middle of the bank by myself. But it just kept getting worse. Then I started to gag, and then I left the line and exited the bank. Everything was swirling around me. I sat on the sidewalk and put my head between my knees, and although I managed not to puke, I made a couple of dry heaves.

Little by little I started feeling better. After 20 minutes or so, I stood up and came home shuffling my feet like an old lady would.

And that, as far as I know, is a text-book example of an anxiety/panic attack. I'm very worried. I didn't know I was this far gone.

What am I going to do? I don't want to be a claustrophobic agoraphobic nutcase. I wanted to go back to college; how am I going to manage if I can't even cash a check anymore? I'm screwed.

Ha-ha. I had started to write "I hate myself" again and I realized that wasn't exactly true. The truth is, Myself hates me. Something in me wants to prevent me from doing anything for myself.

I'm screwed.