Life ain't fair.

Now, I know I've whined about it before, and I know you know life ain't fair without needing me to tell you, and I also know it's useless to complain about it, but it's as good a point to start from as any other: Life ain't fucking fair.

To wit:

I've been trying to be positive, right? And proactive, and self-supportive, and all that happy shit people are supposed to be when they're trying to make someone out of themselves. Yes, I've tried. I've been waking up early to go to a job I hate and I've put on my happy face and done my meaningless job without spending half the time on the internet. I've been trying to cut expenses by using the bus instead of taking cabs. buying chicken (which I hate) instead of beef and buying tacky shampoos that are leaving me bald. I've tried to force myself into an efficient routine which will (or would) ease my life once I'm in school again.

And you know what else? That's crap.

Our plan was that we would spend this couple of difficult months and then Belendor would launch his project and we would be a little better economically. That's why I've been writing about how short out money was, but I wasn't very worried. OK, I was a little worried, but not too much because, regardless how long the project finally took, it would undoubtedly be a hit once it was out.

(The thing is, the lead singer in Belendor's project is a very well known actress and singer here in Mexico, who had been retired for some years, but we were relying on her previous fame to create at least a temporary success; since their music is [was] so good, we counted on their long-term success as well.)

Well, their first presentation is scheduled for this Saturday, but it's the only one Belendor will be in. Last Friday, this girl, Steffi, declared that she didn't want to make the presentation as a band anymore, that she wanted to perform as 'the artist', that the project was hers. Even worse, she instructed the people at the bar they will perform in to announce the event as 'Steffi's return', and now it's on the newspapers, on the internet, on the radio, everyfuckingwhere.

So, she told Belendor, with very sweet words, that she didn't want him or Alcove (the bass player) as her associates anymore; she wanted them as employees.

Thus, to summarize: My sweet man has invested his time, his money, his creativity, his work, his love, and etcetera for almost a year and he has been betrayed by people he thought were his friends and lost everything. Again. This has happened two times since we are together; twice a band has been made and at the moment of truth someone gets clever and steals all his work.

This hasn't happened because he's stupid, it has happened because he's a good person.

The worst part is that he is brokenhearted. Yesterday he told me he didn't want to go on anymore. That he would leave music aside and start looking for another job. That he saw this as a sign that he isn't meant for this business, that he has tried very hard and accomplished nothing, economically speaking. That we have financial needs, that he has financial needs and something has to be done about it. Yes, he likes music a lot and it still is the thing that makes him happiest, but maybe it's not his thing, because he has not the murderer instinct.

That, you should know, broke my heart. My man loves his work and it makes him happy. He has been working hard to earn his living with his work for more than ten years. He knows plenty of other things as well, but music is what he is made to do. You know what I mean. Music is not a side deal for him; it will never be. If he leaves music, he will be OK, he is always OK, but he probably will kill a big part of him. Not the best part, not the most important part, but indeed a big and beautiful and powerful part.

And I feel guilty. Well, not exactly guilty, but I feel it's up to me to do something about it.

I mean, if I earned enough to support both of us, as I've been doing during these two years, more or less, he wouldn't be thinking this. I could support him while he digs his way. His business is a very tough one, we all know it; music is tough. But he can do it. You'll have to take my word on it, but I know he can. He just needs time. And support. And money.

But the thing is, I don't earn that kind of money. I myself need a little bit of support right now, and I was relying on him for the support.

So, we both need support. The thing is, who will be the one that gets it?

The way I look at it, he should be the one. Let's be practical here: I'm planning to go back to school on a whim to study a career of four years which is an economical dead end, because I don't think I'll ever win the Nobel prize. And if I do, it'll be in at least 50 years. I'm not even sure that it will be my thing; it may very well be that in one year I find I don't like that either and I will drop it. Now, I'm not belittling myself here; I know I need it, because I need something, and although I blew my first chance, I do think everyone deserves a second opportunity. But, come on, I'm not a sure bet. What will happen if Belendor leaves his music and starts working now as a computer technician, or even worse, as a waiter, or as a carrier, so I can go to school, and a year from now I decide I don't want to do it anymore? Even worse, what will happen if I do like it? I will put Belendor through four years of pure hell doing something he doesn't enjoy, something that's not his thing, and then, when I'm finished, he will have to keep his shitty job because my wages won't be enough to support him so he can go back to music.

On the other hand, if I quit my job and find another one full-time maybe I can make us hold on a little longer so he can go on doing what he does and see what happens. The thing is, right now he wants to quit because he's tired of being betrayed. And I understand. What he does is doing leaps of faith once and once again. Maybe this team will be the one. Shit, it wasn't. No big deal, this other one might be it. Cripes, wrong again. OK, maybe here... Leaps of faith are very rewarding (I know it), but in order to jump and fly away once you must jump and fall and brake your ass thousands of times, and that is very exhausting. I understand his tiredom. I can accept that he needs a break. If he had told me he is sick of making music and he wants to try something else, I would accept it. But he isn't tired of making music, he's tired of being walked on.

The problem is, we are twenty-five now, and this break wouldn't be a one year break, nor a two year break. If I start school again, we are talking five, maybe seven years break here. By then we are thirty-two and middle age presses. I'm going to want children by then. Shit, I want children right now. So, if we add children to the equation, the break will turn into a permanent status. I can't condemn him to that. He has to do his thing now, or he won't ever have the chance again.

I think the right thing to do for both of us is that I stop fiddling and start looking for a real job. Support him. He's my guy, I love him, I'll support him. Let him do what he wants to do. Quit whining about how I long to see the sea and how I'd love to have children. Quit talking about the school idea. He told me yesterday none of the above has to do with what he's thinking now, but I bet it doesn't help, either. When I say I want to go to the sea, I don't mean it as a reproach, I just enuounce a wish, but I think he's sensing it as pressure. When I say I really want children, I am also thinking out loud, but he senses it as pressure. [Remember that time when I complained that he didn't want to have sex with me? He finally admitted he was a little afraid I would try to catch pregnant on purpouse, because I was constantly talking about babies.] I won't press him anymore. I should remove as much pressure from him as possible so he won't quit his call.

But there's another part of me who's majorly pissed at this reasoning. A part that demands to know why I should be the one who makes the sacrifice. A part that claims that I also deserve to try, even if I fail. A part that even whispers (damn it!) that I've been the one who's been working in shitty jobs (selling english courses [doors slammed in my face], waitressing at the HRC [being walked on by both costumers and managers], typewritting [getting backaches], teaching english [dealing with mentally challenged bureaucrats], translating [oh, you know it], etc.) during two years to support us both, and that it's his turn to hold the shitty end. A part that argues (quite reasonably) that, no matter how well we've gotten with each other during these two years, there's no guarantee that things won't go to hell at some point and that, if I keep being the one that gives, I'll be the one who might find herself alone and emptyhanded some years from now. That, no matter how much I love him, maybe it's my time to take.

I don't know what to do, my mind is twofold.

Life is very fucking unfair.