I've been terribly neglecting you, my beloved site. This is due to several reasons.

First off, too many people I know have found this site, and that has made me self-conscious. I should have been a little smarter and used different handles in different sites, but I am by no means a smart person, I've noticed.

So, even though I still don't care what people might think, it is somehow limiting to know someone's 'out there', some people who might come here not only to entertain themselves but actively fishing for information. That kinda annoys me. If you want to know what's going on with me, guys (and you know who you are), try emailing me. Or look for me in msn, I'm always online.

Another reason is that there are no real news. I'm still looking for a job, I'm still trying not to feel discouraged, and I'm having success with the latter but not with the former. I've had offers, but they are only for dead-end small jobs in ghost companies who host their email accounts at hotmail and have their websites at geocities , and I've decided I'm too old for that, I think.

Another reason might be that I'm once away drifting away. I was so sure I was going to get back in school, I didn't have any backup plans. So now I'm.... adrift. My plan now, if you can call it that, is finding a better-paid, secure job, no matter what it is, so I can save up money and start travelling, which is what my heart has lusted for all my life. But seemingly that's not enough for me. I need something else to hold on to. And I don't know what that might be.

Three days ago I had my period. It had been a week late, and when I got it, I started crying. I didn't even know, but I was already making all sorts of plans, I was building all kinds of hope, and they all came down crashing the other day. That is kind of pathethic, isn't it? Crying in the bathroom because I got my period because I was hoping I was pregnant by accident when I have an IUD. It annoyed the hell out of Bel. And it's completely understandable.

This has been a tense week. Bel's associate got killed in a car accident on Sunday night. It was really messy, too. As I said, it happened on Sunday night, but his family and his friends didn't know about it until Tuesday night. That was due to the fact that no one could ID the guy, he was so messed up. They had to ID him with the VIN number of the car. I didn't know this guy much, and Bel is quite okay with it, given the circumstances, but still it has been rough. The burial was a potential war-zone. This guy belonged to one of MC's biggest drug-dealer families, so there were representatives of several clans there, ready to tear each other's heads off. Scary and stressing.

Another issue that's bringing me down is that I've found out once again how terrible people can be, myself included. It's just within human nature to be an idiot. But what is one supposed to do? Locking myself away is not the answer, although that's what I really want to do now.

Given the last item, I've resorted to my last resource: Books. I finally had the guts to ask my boss to lend me some off his library, and I'm falling in love with Les Miserables right now. Believe it or not, I had never read it. So, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with Jean Valjean.

*ninja vanish*