I am so bummed out.

I was sick of writing about my being bummed out, so that's why I vowed not to write anything until I had cheerful news. See previous entry.

And screw it. I'm bummed out bummed out bummed out. So fucking frustrated I can't even think clearly.

$50,000 pesos.

$5,000 US Dollars

$2,700 pounds.

It's not that big a sum, is it? And yet so unattainable.

Due in February. In february our lease contract expires, and I just don't want to ask my mother for yet another time the same quantity without restoring it the first time.

Does anyone understand me here, or am I being a total neurotic? Is it that anal not wanting to owe my parents that kind of money?

I think we'll have to leave the apartment. If we are the tiniest bit lucky, Belendor will be earning some money by then and we'll be able to rent a smaller apartment someplace else. But oh, moving is so costly. Where will that money come from?

And why, WHY can't I get a JOB?

I'm not being picky anymore. If they offer a good pay I'm applying for it; I don't care if it's too far away from me, if the schedules are awkward or the position sounds boring. I've even made up my mind: If I get a job that requires me to 'look nice', I'll even buy makeup and smear it all over my face.

Have I told you I've lost many allegedly good jobs because I don't wear make-up? When I taught English, they wouldn't promote me just because of that. And I'm not talking out of my butt here; literally: 'You don't look good enough for a managerial position. If you don't wear make up, you're disrespecting the customer.'

Disrespect, my ass. This was a company who'd hire people who didn't even speak English properly, didn't train the staff, and generally treated the students as cattle. Plus, I always showed up properly dressed, more-or-less properly combed, and always showered, and you couldn't say that about some of the actual Managers. They, in fact, didn't promote me ONLY because I wore no make up. Oh, and probably the fact that I was 20 at the time.

Anyway. I'll bend over. I'll have to. I'll wear make up if they want me to, even though it does hell to my skin and makes me feel all weird.

And still I can't get no job.

I vowed to myself that I would never work as a secretary again, because of the secretary-culture the have going in this country, which is hateful. I also vowed I would never work in an office again, because of ditto. I'm breaking both vowes now; if they offer a good pay, I want the job.

The other day I totally sucked up in a job application. For a bilingual secretary. The application included those bullshit questions I've always hated to answer: What can you offer to this company? What are your strengths are weaknesses? You know, that kind of happy crap. Well, I positively crawled on hands and knees and performed an act on fellatio on that application. Did a beautiful job, too.

I haven't heard from them. I probably won't. WHY WHY WHY? I can't understand it. I'm giving up on everything I've stood for all my life, I'm bending over like everyone told me I would, and still I can't get anything?

I think there's something in my application that just screams: Don't hire me! I suck! I suck!

And indeed I do.

In the meantime, the clock is ticking. I haven't been able to save anything, I haven't been able to pay my mom back, I haven't been able to plan ahead, because I'm too busy worrying over how the hell I'm going to get to the office tomorrow.

In other words, I haven't been living, we've been surviving.

And, gods forgive me for saying this, Belendor is not helping me at all. Every time I try to bring up the subject of money, he says 'Don't worry. Everything will be OK'. If I insist, he says 'I told you to trust me. Don't you believe me?' And then I say yes, but some treacherous part of me whispers, 'No, honey, I don't believe you anymore. You said that exact same thing two years ago, and nothing has happened.'

I love him, he makes me immensely happy, he fulfills me like no man has before him, but I've come to realize that when it comes to money, I'm on my own. Which is fine, hey, I'm not handicapped and I don't want to be a kept woman. But still.

And I can't talk to my friends about this either. Every time I do, all they do is flap their hands in disgust and cry 'But why doesn't Bel give up on his stupid dream already? He should be helping you! Why should you be the sole supporter of the house! Tell him to get REAL job!'

I can't stand hearing shit-talk about my boyfriend, so I just don't comment on the situation.

Oh but it's eating me.

It seems he'll be getting a stable gig with a more-or-less famous rock singer in Mexico. This will at least bring us some money (mind you; not enough to pay our debts) but it carries other problems as well.

First off, every time Bel has had a gig going since we've been together has been a hard time for us. He just gets so pumped up he becomes cranky. I've learned to get out of his way when he's like this, but sometimes he blows up in my face for no good reason at all. Our sex life, that convalescing patient even at the best of times, is of course non-existant right now.

Sigh.

Second problem, and I feel real small when writing this. Bel says, 'If I get this gig, there will be a lot of tours. There's a tour scheduled for the US at the end of the year and Europe next year'.

If what I felt at that moment wasn't the purest, blackest surge of hate, it was damn close.

Does anyone understand me here? I think I've made it clear that the one thing I yearn for more than anything in the world (even more than I yearn for babies) is going to Europe. Belendor doesn't care at all for Europe. Even when we talked about this, he always used to say, 'Someday I'll send you to Europe' as if I were some kind of postal package.

And so the first black, green, red, awful thought that comes to my mind is: So, I've been supporting you for well over a year, I haven't been able to save because of that and now YOU, you who have never cared about Europe and even despise it a little, you will get to go to Europe and I will get to stay here and wash the dishes?

It's a horrible thing to think, but I couldn't help myself. I so don't want to be resentful, but I think I can't avoid it, especially since he gets to be all cranky, I can't get a job, and he's going to Europe.

I'm going to hell.

I am so bummed out.