I'm done with feeling bad about who I am. About what I feel. About what I want.

If I'm despisable, if I'm low, if I'm contemptable, if I'm immature, that's something for someone else to judge. I'll stop fighting my nature.

If I'm a predator, let it be so.

Besides, who is to say what I should be looking for? What I should be in need of?

For 10 years, if not more, every single day I've worried over the question: What the hell do I want to do with my life?

Worrying, worrying, worrying. Finding a lot of things that seemed interesting, like oh-look-isn't-that-interesting things, but not that riveting OH-MY-GOD-THAT-IS-AWESOME thing we're all supposed to find at some point.

Or not. Who is to say we all must find it?

And love. Says who it must be such and such?

All my motherly and culturally ingrained principles have been fighting against me a whole year.

All of them screaming that I should be content and thankful with what I have.

Thankful, I am. Content, I am not. Let those Marching Grateful Women of Mexico come get me.

Let's take Arwen for example. For three years she was with Phoenix. For two of those three years she was extremely disgruntled, just like I am now, and she decided to listen to motherly advice and keep her nose on the grind.... and what happened?

Phoenix left all the same. Let's say he hadn't. Would it had been an honourable way to lead a married life, with her being more and more unhappy and him being unaware of it all the time? She cheating on him every time she had the chance and he staying at home and making pancakes?

I don't think so. And I don't want to do that to Bel. I've been happy with him, and he doesn't deserve that.

Having said that, must I then deny all the things I'm missing? That I'm craving for? Just shut myself away from all those things and repeat to myself over and over: This is a good deal I've got going on, MUST remember the man is faithful, MUST remember the man is not a drunk, MUST remember he's not a drug addict...... and so on, and so on.

If it's immature, if it's irrisponsable to feel that I need more, or that I need to do some stuff before going through the Ole Great Woman Behind Great Man routine, then so be it.

I'll just try to remember that, while I'm pretty clear on that I'm not 18 anymore, I'm not 60 either. I'm still young enough to chase my own tail in order to learn a few things if I have to.