So out there in the open - Yeah, I'm a bloody mess.

I've been realizing all those things I've been missing, for such a long time. Overlooking them, supressing them, smothering them, just because I thought Bel was the one.

I wanted him to be the one. I so wanted him to be. Because he's sweet, because he cares for me, because we really do get along together great.

But I come back to the same.... can one forget, overcome one's own nature? I think not.

I tried, guys and gals. I really did. And I'm not happy. Haven't been for a long time now.

I kept swinging like a compass about what I wanted to do... because I wasn't thinking for myself. I was thinking in terms of us, and that just sucked, because we don't really want the same things... so I kept swinging.... school... job.... savings (for what? a house? a car? fuck knows).... and I kept worrying over it like a dog with its bone.

Now I'm thinking for myself, and I want to leave.

Do I not love him anymore? Not in the way you anglo-saxons understand it. I care worlds for him, and I guess I will always. I love him because of the person he turned me into... which is just the kind of person who wants to leave now. And I love him just enough to know that I'm being unfair to him right this moment.

Because, as far as he's concerned, he's done nothing wrong. He has tried to be there for me.... it's me who hasn't had enough for some reason.

I took the decision a couple of months ago. That I'd leave, hopefully for good. Forever.

Who says we're not to be together in the future? Not I. I just know, I'm not good for him right now, and he's no good for me. I need a break.

I need a break. I need to be away.

* * * * * * * *

So I take the decision, and along comes this man who utterly rocks my world.

Is this a sign? Or just inteference? I just don't know.

I only know, my compass was swinging more purpousefully although still randomly, and now it's specifically pointing out in a definite direction.

And I keep thinking, hell, I took the decision before I even met him, this has got to be a sign.

I needed a place to fly to, and now I have one.

(What do y'all think about internet relationships, btw?)

I'm trying to keep a cool head, and having a hard time at it. I want to be with him. I know that, if he were here, we'd belong together, at least for some time.

Because love will never last forever, I've come to realize. Does it mean I shouldn't keep trying? Hell no. It feels too good.

And worry me not about infatuation.... I've thought about it for too long... this is as good as it gets. Someone who thinks like me, and at the same time. All the time. All the time.

And what do I have to lose? I'm already so crazy about him, I hardly think of anything else.

* * * * * * *

Yes, I know the honourable thing to do would be to leave. Right now.

But I can't. And even though I'm ponderating speeding things up, it'll still be awhile. And I will come clean with Bel. I think I owe him that much. He made me happy for a long time.

I need to get out of here. I want to get out of here. Is it that bad that I should be running to, instead of running away from?

(Although, I don't see it as running away. I tried, I tried, I tried with all my heart, and at some point, I lost my heart there. I know it, even if it's not noticeable.)

Taking risks. Didn't I want to do just that, even before him? I still think it means I wouldn't be taking off because of him, but because of me.

If he's been put in my way, shouldn't I take this opportunity? And ASAP, too?

(Help me here, I'm twofold).