The Allman Brothers And Me - A Summary

Hello. I'm not dead, I've just been Closed Until Further Notice.

Virtually no one has heard from me since I came back in August, apart from my family. I want to apologize to those friends who wrote to me and I never responded to. I read all the emails and they made me very happy, but I just couldn't write back. I hope you'll understand. I am really, really sorry.

I have been very sad and disappointed with myself. Everything I did last year seems wrong to me, and when I first got back all I could think about was going back in time to fix it, even though I knew well how useless this was. It got specially bad around Christmas, but since then I've been actively trying to keep busy and to do things that I like. I'm building a vegetable garden on my roof and I've become a fearsome little researcher. I've also dropped a fair amount of weight since August (damn you banana cream pies! And damn Bob Evans and his delicious breakfasts too!)

This has been a conscious and deliberate process. Self-motivation has never been my strongest point, but I realized that a) I didn't want to be sad anymore and b) I'm less likely to get stuck in a destructive loop of thought if I'm busy. So everyday I wake up and still feel like curling in a little ball, but I've set so many things to do that day that I just have to fling myself out of bed. My little plot against myself worked. Every day I feel better and I have no time to sit, sigh and weep like a forlorn maid.

I also should mention I've been smoking pot pretty much around the clock for six months now. I've become yet again an enthusiast of the fine erb in this bizarre stage of my life; it has nicely taken the edge off and made enjoyable what otherwise would have been a nightmare.

That's all about me.

Tim has been here since the end of September. At first it was a much-debated second trial that was supposed to last for only ten weeks, but he has just... stayed. We have good times, but there is no progress; I have asked repeatedly for a break but this implies so much in both our lives that we've just procrastinated until... 'soon'.

I have seen Bel half a dozen times since I returned. After all the passionate emails and chats about how much he still loved me and how much he'd considered coming to Ohio and taking me back with him, I half expected us to be on at least tentative grounds to think of an eventual reconciliation. The truth is I missed him, and I still do, although it doesn't much matter anymore. Our meetings have ranged from chaotic to nearly excellent, but
it's pointedly clear that we're not over our issues and it's best to leave it alone, at least for now. This makes me sad, but there's nothing for me to do about it right now, so I try to let it be. Mostly it works.

I have seen Arwen a few times since I got back, a couple of them with Tim. I've also cut her off for a variety of reasons mostly out of my control (except, I guess, when I abruptly left her homewarming party after frowning by the door for an hour in the company of my brother and my gringo boyfriend and not talking to anyone --I'm really sorry for that -- I couldn't help it, I froze. It happens to me.) So I think she hates me a little bit right now. That makes me sad too, but I haven't really feel moved to remedy that. I'm a little offended myself that she didn't call me on my birthday (by the way, everyone forgot, except for the internet people -- thanks for that too), even though I wrote her a long and honest email where I apologized for being so standoffish and told her I was going through a very difficult time, but that I loved her and missed her and expected her to return well and happy from her trip to France. But she still didn't call on my birthday. I expect any of these days one of us will overcome this little grudge and call the other.

Apart from the above and my parents and brother, I haven't had contact with anyone else since I came back. It goes fine with me; I don't feel like going into details about my life right now. I'm still not sure of what I'm doing, except that I'm feeling good and productive and quietly optimistic, even if this isn't justified. I'm convinced that no harm can come from so many good things I'm doing. I'm translating an awful book for my father, which brings me a little income and alleviates my feelings of guilt towards my parents, because I am indeed helping them out a lot. My tomatoes and squash and peppers, the eggplant and my tea roses are growing strong, healthy and beautiful; I've been learning such a great lot thanks to them. I've been refining my cooking skills too and all I can say is, I'm only getting better.

It's too simple, I know. But I don't feel stuck anymore, and that's such a huge load off my heart. I know I have to deal soon with this situation with Tim and that doesn't thrill me, but I'm going to be okay. I'm coming to terms with the idea of growing old with only a bunch of housepets for company. And I'm honestly not bitter when I say this.

I'll update soon... Momichi-San off.