AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

I know I'd decided not to talk to Bel for now, but I dropped something important in the apartment on Sunday and I needed to ask him to look for it and put it in a safe place. Said thing isn't even of my property, so I really couldn't put off the call, much as I wanted to.

So I asked him about the thing and he said he'd look for it, I said thanks, and our conversation had been so successful so far (by our standards, anyway) that I felt brave enough to motion something I briefly considered yesterday night before discarding it as pointless. But when I saw we'd been doing so well --almost friendly-- during our 40 seconds exchange I decided (wrongly, again) to plunge ahead and give it a go.

"I was wondering if I could ask for another favor" I said. "I need to see you, if you can, today or tomorrow. It's really important."

"What about?"

"I need to talk to you."

"But what about?"

"...I can't talk right now. That's why I want to see you, so we can talk."

Let me tell you why I answered this. At the moment of this conversation I was sitting in my living room. Two meters away from me, my brother was bustling around the kitchen making himself breakfast. Mrs. E, who helps us with the cleaning, was busy behind me scrubbin' that tabletop until it squeaked. My mom was hurrying about too, mostly talking to herself but also sometimes half-talking to me like she's wont to do when I'm on the phone in the same room as her.

So I couldn't very well say Well dear, I know I've become one of those Psycho Bitches From Hell we sometimes talked about, and that you don't deserve it. I want to apologize for my behaviour. I was planning on making little notes for my declamation with all the things I'm feeling and that I'd want you to know, because I thought that maybe if I wrote them down I wouldn't stutter, mutter, or leave sentences half-finished like I usually do because I'm too choked up to remember what the fuck I'm trying to say. I thought we could have a cup of coffee and I could tell you all these things, during a calm and reasonable conversation. And then I could leave and perhaps feel that I've come clean; that I can go out with some dignity left. .

So no, it's not that I try to make a huge complication out of everything, but I just couldn't say that with my whole family pending on my every word. Call me insular --I don't like discussing such private issues in front of others.

"What do you mean you can't talk? Just tell me why you want to see me."

"..." <--- in this pause I'm actually considering just blurting out everything on the phone, but I know that won't do. I'll definetely fuck it up.

"Why are you so fucking difficult? Just tell me why you want to see me."

"I just want to talk to you. It's important."

"Yes, but WHY?" <--- he's losing his patience.

"I can't tell you now... there's people here."

"Just tell me why you want to see me and stop being so complicated!"

"..." <--- by now, I've managed to switch to the cordless phone and I'm running upstairs to my room after assuring my mom that no, I'm not fighting with Bel again. But by now I've also lost my cool, because he losing his patience and I don't even know why. I'm not even being annoying yet, not that I can tell, why is he so mad? I'm starting to wheeze and my voice, when I find it, will be a shrill little whisper.

"You're not telling me? Okay. Anyway, I have things to do today and tomorrow."

"...ok, I see."

"you see what?!"

"Nevermind. It's really not that important. Well, it is... but just for me it seems. Don't worry." <--- there it is, see the kind of self-serving bullshit that leaves my mouth when I'm near him. I really don't know why a piano hasn't fallen on my head yet.

"What is that supposed to mean? Jesus, it's too early for this, G."

"No, don't worry, I told you it was a favor, it's ok if you can't, really." <--- the Psycho Bitch is back and in full control.

I wanted it to be either today or tomorrow only because Tim comes back on Thursday. I'm really not feeling good right now, and the kind of meeting I wanted with Bel will surely leave me feeling like I've been sucked through an airplane turbine. If possible, I want to NOT let Tim see me while I'm such a wreck, because I'll have to give explanations. That will make him feel bad, which in turn will will make me feel worse, and so on and on ad fucking nauseam.

I'm so tired. Yesterday, when I thought about having a talk to him before vanishing from his map, I thought it was a good idea because then I could explain him why I was going away, and how I intended to get better and pull my shit together and be WELL. I would apologize for handling the situation so badly. In short, I'd inform him of what I'm doing instead of just disappearing, if only so he wouldn't have forever the impression that he once had a girlfriend who was very quiet and nice, but then she went insane and left him in the middle of a difficult part of his life, then she came back and turned into a passive-aggresive monster, and then she disappeared without further ado, and good fucking riddance.

After much thinking I decided against it, because I thought that we were beyond the point where he'd care.

Doesn't this prove me right? He's probably glad to lose sight of me.