and I say to myself, what a wonderful world

And there are also the days when I wake up and see things exactly for what they are. The dreams don't help.

They change. Sometimes it's a year ago and I'm trying to stop myself, but it's always too late.

Last night he and I were sitting on the beach, watching the sea and talking about us. He wouldn't listen, he wouldn't believe me. I started crying. The water rose in a line in front of us, like Moses parting the red sea; when the wave hit, I knew we were going to end up in opposite sides of the world and I'd never see him again.

I woke up crying. To this.

I'm twenty six and living with my parents again. I lost all my worldly possessions last year when I left; what little I had left I lost the night I came back, when some asshat stole my luggage from the trunk of the car.

My parents are wonderful folks, no doubt, but I've come to realize my brother and I were just the wrong kind of children for this people. That is to say there is a lot of love but we can't stand each other, because our respective value systems are like oil and water.

My goals and my expectations are subterranean. Other than harvesting a few tomatoes this summer, there isn't much.

I've pushed away all my friends in real life, so far away they're wondering if we're even friends anymore. I wonder the same thing.

I share my bed with one man and have dreams about another.

This is my life. It sucks and nothing is going the way I'd want it to.

And I still like to think I'm doing okay. This is one of my cherry tomatoes in a happy-happy day. And that makes me happy-happy too.



* * * * *

Post edited later to include The Call.

*ring*
Bel: Hello?
Me: Hello!
Bel: Ah, me and the girls were just talking about you!
Me: Really? What were you saying?
Bel: You know, just shooting the shit.
Me: No, please tell me.
Bel (to the girls): She wants to know what we were talking about.
Girls aaaaahhh in the background.
Me: what?!
Bel: I was telling them you're the woman of my life.
Girls aaaaahhh in the background. I melt into a puddle on the couch.