Open Your Eyes

Have you ever had one of those drives when you feel so bad you end up screaming inside your closed car and banging your fists against the drivewheel? For like an hour straight? That was my drive home last night.

I haven't slept all night, and I haven't been able to stop the crying, either. And over Nothing, really. There are people out there with real problems. No real tragedy here; my hell is portable and apparently I can make it happen any old where I am.

It just suddenly hit me that from what he's seen of me in the last eight months, Bel must like me less with each call I make, and that I'm probably escalating rapidly to the Psycho Ex Girlfriend category.

I also realized I hadn't heard him laugh in such a long time. I realized this because I heard him laugh today, and it struck me how much I miss that hearty, rich, wonderful laugh he has. Obviously it wasn't me who made him laugh --he doesn't find me funny anymore, and that's why I hadn't heard him laugh in such a long time. Every time he sees me I'm the very depiction of gloom and I tend to tear up at very confusing and inappropriate times. To top things off, I'm a snappy bitch to him half of the time. No fucking reason why he should find me funny now, right?

This all somehow led to the aforementioned crying fits and sleepless night. Mostly the realization that I haven't made him laugh, really laugh, in more than a year.

The advice I seem to keep getting (from the whole of the Universe it seems) is some version of "be strong, hang in there, do your best".

Strong I get. Strength I've got; at least I know that. I'd like to know what I'm bloody supposed to use it on though; there are just too many options, and I have to choose, because in the meantime I'm doing nothing.

On the matter of Bel, I decided to walk away for awhile. I think I'm doing us both a favor with this; our get-togethers must be really annoying for him and they're excruciating for me, to say the least. When you're in love, you like yourself so much more; regardless of what I said in my last post, I still believe that you love your partner the more because he/she brings out the best out in you. He makes you a better person. (See, I'm bawling my silly head off again and now I'm also out of cigarettes.)

I was so very in love with him, but now he has the complete opposite effect on me; he brings out the worst in me and I *hate* the person I become when I'm near him. I've done my best to make it better, but I'm only making it worse.

I don't want to wear out whatever good memories we have left, so I'm Walking Away. For now.