far out in the red skies

two years ago, when I started this journal, I used to write my dreams about the sea. I dreamed about the ocean every night, it seemed like I was always trying to get to the water and it was never within reach.

when I came back to my parents house last year, this theme changed. Now nearly all nights I was dreaming I was at a hotel, a motel, an inn, a lodging house; I was always looking for my bags, or my room, or my car, and I always had to leave soon.

lately my dreams have been changing; it's all water again, but now I'm in a ship, or trying to catch one, or waiting for one.

yesterday, though, I dreamt that I was living with bel again, but I had to see him coming and going all day with his friends and his new girls, and that made me so sad I was sobbing my way through the house, and I tried to catch his eye but he wouldn't look at me, and I woke up bawling like a baby. after I cried some more I fell asleep again, and then I was looking for bel in a transatlantic or something. I was crying in that one too, damn if I remember why.

I'll never have cereal for a midnight snack again. it makes me have highly melodramatic dreams.

mili and I went to look at the house on monday. it's fantastic... beautiful curved stairs, rose marble, two yards and huge sunny bedrooms. I still don't know where I'm getting the money from, I have less than a hundred dollars in my possession. I need four times that. for MONDAY. what the hell am I going to do?