the needle tears a hole

I've been hurting all weekend. stupid dreams. stupid time of the year. stupid four year anniversary that doesn't matter anymore because... it doesn't exist anymore. so it's not really an anniversary, but I'm hurting anyway.

stupid, stupid, stupid october 21st. it hurts, it hurts. make it stop.

it doesn't help that I'd made up my mind not to think about it, but my whole weekend was about bringing it up, time after time after time.
on friday at my brother's party, I found --go figure-- three people who have been following my blog for some time. they like it. that was a pleasant surprise, but it made me sad, especially when one of them told me that it had made her sad to read all about last year and the year before, because she knew Bel and me together, and we always seemed like such a pretty couple, so in love with each other... what happened?

what happened, indeed.

then yesterday, before Fionn's (the third roommate) birthday dinner, M comes to me and asks if it'd be ok with me if she invited Bel. I said yes, what was there to say? no, I don't want to, keep him out of my house?

of course he said he'd come, but he never showed up. and that made me feel even worse. so meet my wreck on a sunday morning. if you'd be kind enough to shoot me dead... thanks.

today sucks. hurts.