and if you go off chasing rabbits (like me)

I've been thinking maybe I'm becoming too random for my own good. even the people who know me best admit to only understanding what I'm going on about only about half of the time.

or maybe I have them confused with my saying one thing on a given moment, and completely changing my mind by the next. and my not having a real reason for doing any of it.

the difference is, I'm not tortured about finding an explanation for all of this anymore. I used to feel an explanation was needed, nay, owed to those involved in whatever change, whim, flick, mood, I was going through.

me, strangely given my tortured nature, I don't specially need to find an explanation once I finally feel certain about something. Ah, but I have to feel it, you know? then again, maybe it's not so strange, since being a complete tunescrew basketcase, my heart and my brain usually run in completely different tracks. I can be wailing and worrying over the same thing for weeks, months, years, and my brain will come up with the same arguments, and people will give me the same arguments, and I'll be getting the same arguments from the whole of the cosmos, but it won't be until the day it actually rings true in my heart that I will be able to leave it at rest. and usually not give it a second thought again, except to marvel at how long I could be stuck.

see? I don't make sense, but I don't care.

I've realized people compulsively ask for explanations, or make them up for you, but they hardly every listen to what you tell them. example --and this didn't even happen to me, let's just call it exhibit A:

"so there we were, and I was telling him for the upteenth time all the reasons why we couldn't be together except as friends, and I said something like 'look, consider my lifestyle. my job can be very demanding. imagine we're living together, and one night I don't come home until very late. I'm not going to stand having you like a jealous bear all over me the minute I step in, asking me where I've been and doing what and with whom...'"

at that point in the conversation, he took her hand and said, with moisty eyes: "baby, I'd love to live with you and I dream that it'll happen some day."

wanna guess what was the part that he actually listened to?

exhibit B is a little more personal, and while working on this entry there has been two terrorist threats and I've made two trips to the emergency room, so I think I'm going to cut and paste here and call this a Part I.