I'm just so pathethic, so much I don't even mind openly admitting it.

it's nine o'clock in the morning, I've been up for three hours, I've been sleeping shit for weeks now, even worse since I came back from the beach because, on top of my ongoing intensity, I have two cats who aren't used to living in such close quarters, and they've taken to practice their lacrosse at 5 am, on top of my head, while I twist and turn with nightmares and longing.

I tried hard all this week, after the misery parade last week, that I truly truly lost it, all week I've been trying to keep upbeat and optimistic and my-god doing stuff... I can't hold it. this morning again I am a drippy mess who can't manage anything but whimpers.

good morning, I'm 28, and like my brother I didn't crack at all during my father's funeral, for that I donned the armor so well that I'm afraid it's become a second skin; however, I can't keep my cool for more than a few days while waiting for... what? what am I waiting for?

to see if he'll come back? if he'll stay? don't I already know the answer to that?

and until I get that through my thick skull, it seems I'll be stuck with this --the longing, the wishing things could be different, everyone trying to be nice to me while giving me that look, the look that says well, what did you expect woman?

I didn't expect anything, to be honest, but still here I am wishing...