so how is it, the new year, my outlook, my prospects

who the hell cares. no better than last year; I guessed that 2007 was going to be awful, but that turned out to be a bit of an understatement. now from the perspective of my couch, of my vodka and my three-coloured cat, I realize what a huge waste of time last year was. at least for me. same as the year before, and the year before that.

some januaries ago, we were in a bar and he was saying that yes, it was unfair, and yes, it sucked, and he was sorry, but he was with someone else now and, you know, things happen. besides, he said, it's not like you're doing a great job at convincing me; you're not marketing yourself. you're way too intense. he then dropped a bill on the bar and walked out, and I grabbed his glass, smashed it on the bar and made a few long cuts on my arms and thighs, thinking, you're right man, I'm intense like you have no fucking clue. then I put the pieces of glass in my pocket and I still keep them in my personal shrine.

now it's january again, I'm sitting on my couch freezing and shaking under my blankets because it feels like I have all the seven winds of the arctic blowing around my ribcage. I had to go through it again, sitting there and listening hey, you know you're lovely... but you're just too intense and thus not worth the trouble. besides, I know we shared a lot, made a lot of plans, and a lot of promises... but you know things happen, and now there's someone else. sorry, bitch.

I don't know if I've moved forward. I do realize there's nothing in the house I can safely cut with, including my still sharp pieces of long-ago glass. so I won't cut myself though I think about it. I feel it would help me calm down. but, something vaguely tells me this isn't worth it, no matter how low I feel right now. there's a red string on my finger since tuesday, it's meant to remind me to take things at their exact face value. it's telling me to hang on and not let things crush me. in other words, put on Cartoon Network and try to chill, because even though life is mostly dry and lonely and you can't count on a damned thing in the whole wide world, not even yourself, there's still some damned cool things to hang around for. they're just not what I'd hoped for.

this too shall pass.